Updated: Oct 30, 2019
This article will be - I hope - one of a series where I get to help empower both women and men who are looking for mega love in their life: love for themselves, for the world and a nourishing, loving and connected relationship…
Getting to know Maxine Clancy has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life.
Connecting through a mutual acquaintance many months ago now, I was lucky enough to learn about Maxine’s work, helping people through the difficult relationship challenges in their lives, as a Calling In The One Coach and a HeartMath Coach.
I began following Maxine’s social media and over time saw SO many nuggets of grounded, compassionate wisdom being offered to those who reached out to her that I knew that I wanted to work with her through Mission Milly.
MM is about returning people to their natural ‘wild’ states by re-immersing us all back into nature as effortlessly as possible. At its core, it’s about remembering that we - as creatures of nature - are enough exactly as we are and I truly believe that if we all return to our roots and remember ourselves as being as wild/perfect as the sun, oceans and clouds, we will fall back in love with ourselves (without needing a new lipstick, six pack or highlights) and we’ll be free to express that love out into the world (instead of fear & anger) and find harmony with ALL other life, more peacefully and compassionately.
One of Maxine’s immediately noticeable talents is that she empowers people to acknowledge the brilliant person that they already are and - from that space - draw on the strength and self love to recognise subconscious decisions that they have made that have perhaps led them to choosing damaging or even abusive relationships. In acknowledging their own behaviour and understanding that it comes from a lack of self worth, Maxine has helped so many people to reclaim power over their own lives again and to create better futures for themselves. As she says…
“Your ability to fully love yourself will ultimately create more joy and bliss, because you will have the motivation, desire & confidence to claim your space, be yourself and bring your gifts to the world. When we don’t love ourselves we tend to ‘settle, put up with’ and ‘not believe in our abilities to create what our hearts would love.’“
When I invited Maxine to work with me - to help fund my rewilding work as a Mission Milly Partner and so that I could promote her advice out to the growing audience of people surrounding me - I phoned her with no preparation, no proposal in mind BUT a very strong hunch that I absolutely had to see if we could work together. That was even my opening line, “I have no idea if working together will work but I have such a strong hunch that I should ask you.”
When Maxine said yes, I was over the moon!
I wanted to make her insights available on my blog as soon as possible so I sent her a long list of questions, from which I am beginning to write a number of articles that I hope will help the men/women reading this. I asked her questions about love, sacrifice and how people (those who need to) can BOTH recover from abusive relationships AND make sure not to choose them again.
My goal is to empower those who gain from Maxine’s advice to love themselves just that little bit more and (in doing so) bring a bit more light and kindness into our world, to share with ALL other life and make the world a sweeter place for ALL species every day…
In this (my first article of the series) I've decided to discuss the idea of ‘balance’ in a relationship, as I particularly wanted to counter some VERY harmful (in my opinion) advice that I had seen elsewhere online...
I had seen a different relationship coach advise a lady that if she wanted to find a ‘masculine’ (strong, independent) man, she would have to accept stepping back to allow him to lead and trust him to take her desires into account too, or he would end up leaving her. As someone who would like a great relationship but who is also very driven towards making a difference through my work, I am super clear on wanting a 100% equal relationship with a guy who dreams as big as me and with whom we can both have many adventures, prizing our independence as well as our time together. I know a lot of other women who want this too: to be part of what I would call an authentic power couple.
My concern was that this advice (let’s call the coach ‘D’) would drive more women/men into a mindset of lack and scarcity: that what we really wanted wasn’t available and that there was something wrong with us for wanting that.
When I questioned D’s advice, the traditional dances were held up to me as an example of how you can only have one ‘leader’ in a relationship: someone HAS to sacrifice their own momentum, to be swirled around a dance floor!
But that’s not true. In fact, there’s a fab new dance craze devised by professional ballroom dancers incorporating a new device called ‘Liquid Leading’ where (through subtle cues delivered throughout a dance) the Partners take it in turn to lead, swapping back and forth. And it’s GORGEOUS!
To counter the afore-mentioned questionable advice, here's Maxine's thoughts when asked the question, “Should you ever have to sacrifice what you want in a relationship?” I just knew that she would hit the nail on the head, so here’s what she had to say…
“This is a very interesting question. I think we are brought up to believe that we have to ‘compromise’ and ‘sacrifice” what we want in order to be in a relationship.
If we are in relationship where we’re ‘co-dependent’ or we feel unworthy of love, or we feel incomplete in ourselves then we will often sacrifice our needs in favour of someone else’s. We might be afraid to go for our dreams if we believe it will take us away from the person we love and if we don’t trust them, or believe the relationship will work if we spend time apart.
I honestly believe if you feel whole in yourself & worthy of love, then you will see things as less of a compromise or sacrifice and more of you both having what your heart desires.
It might mean in some instances, you support your partner’s dreams to be or do something and during that time, you are putting your own desires aside. Ie. Pursuing a dream to live in another country and perhaps you miss your family as a result… if you’re not doing this with complete love for yourself and your partner, you will experience it as a sacrifice, if you embrace it completely and take 100% responsibility for your feelings and choose how you feel about it, then it will not be a sacrifice . You can always empower yourself by the way you frame your perception of your choices.
In a healthy loving relationship, you are both there to empower each other to fulfil your dreams and take 100% responsibility for how you feel. In addition, the beliefs you have will shape whether or not you’re able to create a win/win situation or if you create a ‘sacrifice’ situation.”
Yep… Nailed it!
Basically, providing that you love yourself so fully that you are enabled to love others 100% sincerely and honestly too, you can manifest whatever ‘a loving relationship’ means to you specifically and shine brightly together: that's even MORE sunshine rocking this world.
And what is another term for ‘loving yourself’ but ‘being authentic’? Being truly yourself because you KNOW that you are enough as you are? And so we end on this final thought, for today, that I hope leaves you with more than just a little to take away with you as perhaps you start to genuinely accept for the first time that YOU deserve everything you could wish for, simply BECAUSE you’re you and entirely perfect, from the second that you were conceived…. And also, that perhaps everyone else does too?
How important is it to live authentically? As Maxine says…
“Why would you live any other way? The question is, why don’t we live authentically? I think this is because we buy into what I call, the ‘Big Love Lie’… That love exists outside of us, and we are conditioned and programmed from childhood etc to look outside of ourselves for love, and that we have to be a certain way to get that love – ‘perfect, good enough, well behaved etc.’ When we buy into that we learn to be inauthentic, as we believe our authentic, true self will not be loved.
Living authentically, you come back to your wholeness in love, which is the truth of who you are.”
Thanks Maxine :-)